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A Search For My Gender
Jan. 30th, 2006
11:35 am - Envy or attraction?
It seems like everytime I see an attractive girl, my head turns and I think to myself "damn, I want to
Is it possible that it's both? Could I be envious and sexually attracted at the same time? I guess it's possible. I mean, I do love having sex with women and being with women in sexual situations, but I do also wish that I was a woman. Has my brain lost the ability to separate these two things? It seems that I get horny most of the time when I'm thinking about being a woman even if I wasn't horny before I started thinking about it. Has my mind just manifested this as a sexual fantasy?
Jan. 12th, 2006
01:28 pm - Sexuality
Lately, as in the past few weeks, I've probaby been hornier than I've ever been. I've been out of control. Normally, I can make it through a day or work without much trouble or anything, but lately, all I can think about at work is sex. It's not just with women and it's not just with men. I'm all over the place. I see an attractive girl and I get stuck thinking about her sexually for like an hour. This doesn't happen the same with men though. I still don't find myself attracted to men, but I spend a lot of time fantasizing about being a woman having sex with a man (or multiple men). None of this is really new, but it's just been much more out of control than it normally is.
This brings me to the whole sexuality issue. I'm comfortible with the fact that I'm bisexual. At times, I love the fact that I am because it gives so many more options and allows for so many different kinds of pleasures. However, at the same time, it bothers me because I don't know if I'll ever be able to be with just one person as I'm always going to have sexual desires that they can't fulfill for me.
It's weird to think about all this, but if I break it down, it comes out something like the following...
- Attraction - 95% towards females. There's hardly any attraction to men at all for me.
- Sexual desires - about 50% each way. I desire both men and women in about the same amounts under normal circumstances.
- Sexual fantasies - About 70% towards men. However, let's break this down a bit more...
- 60% of the time, I fantasize about being a woman with a man (or men).
- 10% of the time, I fantasize about being a man with another man (or men).
- 25% of the time, I fantasize about being a man involved in multiple men gangbanging a single woman
- The remaining 5% is made of up other fantasies such as being a woman with another woman or a man with multple women or some other mix.
- Relationship fantasies - About 90% of the time, when I think about relationships in the future, i think about them being with women, whether I'm being a man or a woman.
What does all of this mean? I have no idea. All it says to me is that I'm all kinds of confused. I've only really had sex with women. I've give a couple guys blowjobs, but never to the point where they've cum (unfortunately). I love the sex that I've had with women and I don't want to stop having sex with women, but I can't hide the fact that I also really want to have sex with men.
How would all of this play out if I did complete transition and become a woman? I've read some stuff online that shows that about 2/3 of transexuals have heterosexual relationships post-op regardless of their pre-op sexuality. Many where men who were exclusively into women beforehand, but changed afterwards. I dont know how I feel about that. I would like to think that post-op, my sexuality would be about the same, but who knows.
Sexuality is something that really scares me with this whole thing. Not so much in that I couldn't handle myself, but just what it means for coming out. Most people think that transexual/transgender means gay and it doesn't. This fact is something that I've counted on to make coming out easier. I think it would be twice as hard if I had to tell my friends and family that not only am I a woman stuck in a man's body and am going to also have an operation to become a woman, but I am also gay. That may be a lot for my family and friends to handle. If I could just tell them the former, it may ease things a little. But then what happens if post-op I realize that I just want to be with men? Then it looks like I lied to them. However, if that happens, then there's the possibility that if everyone has grown to accept me as a woman, they won't think about it as me being homosexual, but me being a heterosexual woman and be able to treat and see me as such.
SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND!! AHHHHH
Jan. 11th, 2006
10:15 am - Shaved my legs
I tried to wax my legs, but it turned into a huge pain in the ass. There was so much hair and the wax wasn't grabbing it all. It was also taking forever. So I used this Veet stuff that my girlfriend had instead and it worked pretty well. It removed almost all of the hair with most of what ws left being spots that I just plain missed.
After I took the Veet off, I got in the shower to wash all the hair off and my legs felt so good. I could stop rubbing them together in the shower and marveling over how smooth they felt up against each other. When I was doing this, though, I felt so womanly. Just the way I was standing in the shower rubbing my nice smooth legs together made me feel insanely womanly. It was one of the best feelings ever. It was also one of the first times that I have felt womanly in any type of way that didn't involve sex or wearing woman's clothes. I loved it.
Today or tomorrow, I plan on doing my chest and getting the spots I missed on my legs.
Jan. 10th, 2006
10:13 pm - I'm back
I always say that I'm going to post here more often, but I never do. It's been a while since I've seriously thought about transitioning. For a while I thought I had changed my mind about the whole thing, but lately, I've been back to thinking that it's right for me. I spent a lot of time today reading stuff online about the whole process. And after reading it all, I've been able to compile a little bit of concerns...
-Cost. A full transition could cost me up to $40,000. I have no idea how I would ever afford that.
-Passing. What if I can't pass as a woman after it's all said and done? I'd have to live my entire life standing out from the crowd because of a decision I made.
-Ability to orgasm. I'm an extremely sexual person, it's almost all I think about. I do not want to lose this and I do not want to lose the ability to fulfill my sexual desires.
-Coming out. There are so many people whom I'd have to come out to. Family, girlfriend's family, friends, coworkers. I have no idea what I'd even say or how I'd explain it to them.
-Retraining my voice. I have a very man sounding voice and have tried talking in a female voice and I just don't have the ability to. I hope that this would be something that I could overcome.
I don't want to cut this post short, but I'm going to wax my legs now. Hopefully, it won't be another few months before I post again.
Sep. 30th, 2005
08:13 pm - Wow, it's been a long time!
I'm absolutely terrible at posting on this thing. It's been since freaking Januarary! Today, I bought a new pair of tall boots. I can't believe I've got three pairs now. I think I officially have more women's shoes than men's shoes. I used to never understand why girls had so many pairs of shoes and were so obsessed with them, but now I get it. SHOES ARE FUN! Ever since I bought my first pair of women's shoes, I've been obsessed with them. I absolutely love wearing high heels, especially fuck-me boots. They're fun and high heels are super hot on girls. Though, I wish the pointy-toed shoe trend would end. Those things are super ugly and it's difficult sometimes to find cute shoes that don't have a pointy toe. Oh well.
Today, after I walked out of the mall, I actually put my new pair of boots on in the car and drove all the way home with them. Learning to drive stick in heels was a bit awkward, but I got it pretty quickly. It's really not that hard at all, which is kind of a relief if I ever do go through with my transition, I'll have no problem driving a stick shift and that's good because I have no plans of going back to an automatic. The only thing that I couldn't do was heel-toe, but I think I can work on that.
But, all that aside, I'm just as confused as always. I've completely accepted the fact that I'm not going to ever feel truly one way or the other way. I know that I really feel like I should be in a woman's body and be treated as a women a lot of the time. However, at the same time, there are certain things that I enjoy about being a guy and I'm not sure if I could give them up. I feel like this would be so much easier if I was much more so on the other end the continuum rather than right in the middle. I guess it just pretty much seems like I'm going to not do the transition thing and just stick it out as a man.
Jan. 11th, 2005
11:14 am - It's been a long time
It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here. Nothing has really happened, though. Lately, I've been feeling that going through the transition isn't for me.
I just wish that I could make up my mind about it. It seems that every few weels/months, I feel differently about it. I guess that's reason enough to not do it at all. I mean, why would I want to do something that is permanant if I'm not entirely sure if I want to do it?
Don't get me wrong, I still feel like a woman inside a lot of the time and nothing about my gender issues, but like I've mentioned before, I go through these phases where sometimes I feel really pro-transition and other times I feel more like it's just not for me. I know that soon I'll be in a pro-transition phase again and saying that I should do it, but I'm just way too conflicted on this to be able to truthfully say that I should go through with it. I think it's one of those things that you can't do if you have any doubts about whether or not you should do it. Doubts about whether or not you can do it or if you'll pull it off and pass entirely in the end are fine, but not these kind.
Oct. 10th, 2004
02:24 pm - I hate when people go through my stuff
Last week, my roommate was in my room talking to me and while he was talking, he decided to open my closet and look inside without asking. I had all of my women's shoes just laying around and he saw them and was like "I'm going to pretend like I didn't see that." I said that they were Lisa's, but I don't think he believed me. It was possibly the most embarrassing thing ever. I really hate when people go through my stuff without asking, especially since I do have something that I'm hiding and I wouldn't feel comfortible with people knowing about it.
He then went upstairs and said to Lisa, with someone else in the room, "your boyfriend has a lot of high heels in his closet." Lisa said that they were hers, but who knows what he thinks.
It hadn't been mentioned at all again until today when he saw a shoe rack that I found in the trash and I said that I didn't really have a use for it so I don't know why I even took it and he said that I could put on my high heels on it.
SOOOOOOOOOO embarrassing.
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embarrassedSep. 24th, 2004
02:03 pm - Thongs
Holy shit! I love wearing thongs!
I don't know why I felt the need to post that, but I was just thinking about how much I love wearing them.
Aug. 12th, 2004
02:10 am - Going on vacatin in a couple days
In a couple days, I'm going on vacation with Lisa and her family for a week. I think it may be rough not be able to crossdress at all. Especially, since we'll be down the shore and there will be scantily clad women whom I will be very jealous of and will make me want to crossdress.
I'll get through it, but it'll be tough. Oh well, I'll post about it when I get back.
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tiredAug. 5th, 2004
12:46 am - New gown
Basically, I'm just saying what's up.
I got a new nightgown in the mail, but I don't know how I feel about it. It's long and has a big slit up the side which is hot, but it's a shearish type and the material isn't normal nightgown material. Oh well, I'll try it one night soon.
That's it for now!
tiredJul. 31st, 2004
11:51 pm - Jealousy or attraction?
It's funny how many things I get caught up thinking about regarding my sexuality and gender. It's like every week there's another huge thought that I get stuck on. This really is a journey, but unfortunately, it's not a journey in which I know where I'm headed.
I'm starting to wonder about my attraction to women. I find myself very, very attracted to women, but 99% of the time when I masturbate I'm fantasizing about being a woman and having sex with a man...or two...or three. The thing is, I've never really been attracted to men. There's been only a handful of men whom I've ever felt attraction to, but like I said, women on the otherhand, I'm out of control. I find when I'm looking at women, though, that many times I feel more jealous than anything else. I wish that I were her and had her body. Is my attraction to women really just me being jealous of what they have and not actually me wanting them? I mean don't get me wrong, I want to do sexual things with women I'm attracted to, but those thoughts aren't as prevelant as the thoughts of wishing I were her. And If I'm really just jealous of them and not really attracted to them sexually, what is my sexuality? As time goes on am I going to find myself attracted to men or is this just going to stay like it is now?
It's like I'll be out somewhere and I'll see a girl who is very attractive and part of my will think about her sexually, but a larger part of me imagines myself in her clothes and with her body and just all around being her. I start thinking about walking around in heels and being in a skirt (if she's wearing such things).
Sometimes I really start to think that I'll never find the answers to all of my questions...
tiredJul. 24th, 2004
11:37 pm - Vrrrrrrmmmm
Today, I drove down to South Jersey wearing women's shoes. I've always wondered if driving in women's shoes was going to be harder so I figured that today after I got into my car, I'd change into my "fuck-me" boots and drive down wearing them. I made sure to take a route that would get me some traffic lights to stop at so I could really get a feel for it. It actually wasn't as hard as I thought. I really thought that wearing heels would make driving weird, but it's not that bad at all, I could get used to it very quickly. However, I don't know what it would be like to drive stick, I have a feeling that that would take a little bit more getting used to.
Also today, I did my first actual tuck while crossdressing. I never really bothered that much with it before because I wasn't ever trying to hide my penis from anyone and I mean hell, I've still got a beard! But, I was messing around when I was getting dressed and I got it pretty nice. It's being held by my pantyhose (no tape or anything) and my testicles aren't really pushed up into anything very much, but it's a start for me. It actually looks pretty decent. I put on my black pants to check it out and I thought it looked pretty hot. Maybe I'll start practicing this more often.
I've decided that coming out to my family is definitely going to be the hardest thing to do. I guess it's a little easier because my parents knew back in the day that I wore women's clothing, but I think they forgot about it or at least figured that I stopped doing it. It's going to be quite a shock for them though and I have a feeling that it's going to cause a lot of problems with them.
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hornyJul. 7th, 2004
10:50 pm - I support you so much that I feel awkward
It's really hard, sometimes, to think about the fact that this is something that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. This is never going to go away. Even if/when I go through and finish my transition, I'll still be spending my whole life getting used to things and trying to fit in and dealing with friends and family. If I don't go through with my transition, then I will always be wanting and wishing to be female and never be happy. Either way I'm screwed.
I think that one of the things that is scaring me the most right now is Lisa. She always says how she will support anything I do and that she loves me so much that she'll always be with me, but whenever I want to crossdress when she's around, she gets all weird. She says I act different and stuff...well DUH! When I put the clothes on, for me it's like entering into a completely safe place where I can just be who I feel I am. I mean, really, I'm the same person, I just have slightly more feminine mannerisms and stuff. Maybe sometimes when I do crossdress, I exaggerate things just a bit because I don't always get to act that way, I don't know. The point is, though, it bothers her still and it causes some awkwardness. I know that I can't expect her to not feel awkward at all, but it doesn't seem like she really wants to try.
Her and I spend so much time together too that I don't get to dress up as much as I want/need to because of this. I hardly ever have time alone at home where I can do it. I'm either with her or not at home most of the time. I find that sometimes I rush through other things to try to get home a little early before she does so that I can crossdress.
Jun. 28th, 2004
12:54 pm - A quick update
Well, I haven't written anything new here in a while, but there isn't really much to update about. Things are pretty much the same as they ever were.
I decided I was going to grow my hair a little, at least just to see what I could do with it for now. It's getting to be pretty crazy though because it's really curly. If I were to do anything with it, it'd have to be straightened first, but it's still not long enough. I think in a few more months, it'll be able to have something done to it. I'm still thinking about when I'm going to shave off my beard. Like I've said before, I really like my beard when I'm in boy mode and I occassionaly even get comments on it. But, it has to go at some point, though I think I'll wait as long as I can for it.
Jun. 4th, 2004
12:57 pm - I'm a school girl!
I talked about it in my last post, but I'm doing it right now. Plaid skirt, white knee-highs, black shoes that totally look like school girl shoes and a white shirt. Oh man, I feel so hot and scandilous.
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naughtyJun. 2nd, 2004
03:19 pm - I want to be a school girl!
I FINALLY got around to returning the two pairs of shoes that I bought almost a month ago that didn't fit. I exchanged them for two more and two pairs of white knee-high socks (maybe I can get a skirt and a shirt for a school girl outfit!). I got a pair of pink heels with a littl bow in the front and a cute pair of black shoes with a big heel. I like them bunches and they both seem to fit well.
For a few days, I had my new apartment all to myself so it was really nice to be able to dress up and walk alround freely, though I hardly had any time for that. Now, though, our sublettor has moved in so I have to be careful. There's no lock on my door yet, so I think I'm going to have to hold off on dressing up again until I can get a lock on there. Hopefully, I can do that tonight.
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blankMay. 16th, 2004
11:39 am - Down with Borders
This should be a quick update (though, I've been kind of neglecting this dealy lately)...
The other night, I went to Borders with Lisa and we were looking around for a couple books to buy for the summer. I didn't really think to look for a book about transgenderism, but when I saw the section for sexuality and gender, I looked. To my dismay, they did not have a single book on the topic. There was one book on crossdressing, but it wasn't a serious book. It was like a fashion how-to for crossdress, definitely not was I was looking for at the time. So i went over to one of the computers that let you search their stock for items and I typed in transgender. 83 items popped up. And under each one, it was listed as not in stock. EIGHTY-THREE books on a topic and they don't carry a single one! What the fuck? I was pretty mad about this, but there wasn't really anything I could do, but complain. Though, I couldn't really even do that because I didn't want to reveal my identity as a transgendered person at all.
So, from now on, I'm only shopping at Barnes and Noble...unless I find the same thing there too.
May. 9th, 2004
10:52 pm - Short update
Well, I don't post on here as much as I'd like, but then again, I'm never home. And that, my friends, will be the subject of this post. Not being home very much really cuts down on the amount of time that I can spend dressed as a woman. It really sucks because I really want to do it more (well, ALL the time, but you know). I'm always out somewhere or at Lisa's house and really wishing that I could put on woman's clothes. Then I end up trying to find some excuse why I have to go home just so that I can do it. I hate leading this double life. I just want to lead one life as a woman.
And I still keep thinking about telling more people about this. I almost told one of Lisa's housemates yesterday. I actually really want to tell her because I think that she'll be fun. She'll probably react pretty positively about it and I think that she'd love to dress me up and stuff. She's really into fashion and all so I'd probably get to wear all kinds of clothes. But, I think it would really weird Lisa out, so I won't do it. Also, once she moves out of Lisa's apartment in a couple weeks, I probably won't see her again since she's transferring schools.
May. 2nd, 2004
12:27 pm - A close run in
I forgot to mention this in my other post...
Thursday night, I thought it would be a good idea to walk to Lisa's in my fuck-me-boots. So I did. I put them on and had long pants on and in the dark, others could barely tell I was wearing women's shoes. I figured it'd be fun for me and no one would notice as long as I kept walking and didn't bump into anyone I knew. Well, it didn't work out that way. I started walking and it actually hurt a whole lot and I had trouble walking in them. This I didn't understand because I can walk around my room just fine in them. Granted, that's only a few steps in each direction, but still, I didn't think it'd be that bad. I mean I could hardly walk and my feet were really starting to get sore. Out of all my shoes, those should be the easiest to walk in, but who knows. I guess I just need practice...
Anyway, I only got a few houses down before I couldn't take it anymore so I ran behind this house that they're renovating and changed into my sneakers. Then, just as I started walking again, Chris drove by and stopped and offered me a ride. Had I still been wearing those boots, I probably would have been caught. WHEW!
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hot11:34 am - More shoes!!!
Last night, Lisa started asking me a bunch of questions about my gender. "If you have the operation and we're still together, does that make me a lesbian?" Well hell, I don't know. It all depends on how you want to look at it. But it shouldn't matter, they're just labels, don't get so hung up on them. And if she truly loves me like she says she does (and I do believe her), then it wouldn't matter. "If you feel like you're a girl, why don't you like to talk about your feelings and do things that girls do?" I don't know. Being transgendered isn't about that. Those are just stereotypes. I do the things that I like to do now and being a woman won't change that. But, the thing is, I identify more with women. I feel more feminine than I do masculine. That isn't really something I can explain. "What is femininity then?" I have no idea. I mean, I kind of do, but I can't explain it. To me, the word is just up for interpretation. It's like, I just feel like a girl. I really wish this was something that I could explain. It really seems to be tearing her apart that she doesn't know more about this, but I tell her everything that I know. It's just that I don't even know much and what I do know, is very hard to explain. I tried telling her this, but she wouldn't take it as an answer. Eventually, the fight really escalated and got really bad, but we made up, so all is well. But, I know this won't be the end of this. How could it be? I'm going to be dealing with this my whole life. I just wish that I could explain it to her...well, I wish more that I could understand it and explain it to myself first. It seems like she really is afraid that I'm keeping stuff from her, but that isn't the case. Though, I guess I am keeping this journal from her. But, I need this. It's really just something that I want for me right now. Maybe one day, I'll show it to people, but not right now. I need something that is just mine that I can confide in as I'm thinking about things and while I'm trying to figure them out so that I can explain them to myself and to Lisa. This is like the scrap paper that you use when doing math problems. What's on it isn't really important to anyone else, but you need it to help you figure it all out and get your thoughts down. I really really do love her and I don't want to hide things from her, but I also just have no idea how to explain things.
My transgenderism (is that a word?) is really taking a toll on her and is really hard for her to handle and sometimes I think that it's really not fair of me to even be open about it to her. But if I wasn't, then what kind of relationship would we have? Maybe I just shouldn't be dating anyone right now or even until I am finished with the transition (well, the physical part). At least then, I can be more upfront with people. I can be like "hey, this is what you get, it's not going to change." Now, it's like, "yes, you're dating a man, but not really. I have a penis, but not for long. I'll soon be like you." I don't expect it to be easy for her, but it seems like sometimes she doesn't respect the fact that however hard it is for her, it's infinitely harder for me. Transitioning will change my entire life, nothing will be the same for me. For her, most things will be the same, the only difference will be things that involve me, which leave out her work and day to day activities.
She also keeps asking me if I'm sure that this is the choice I want to make. Well, NO! I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure, like in the 90% and above range, but I'm not completely set. If I were completely sure, I would have already started the transition process. I mean, I really think that I am a woman, but what if I'm wrong. I think I really want to start going out in public as a woman and interacting as a woman to see if it really is me. Once I do that, I'll really be able to see things from the perspective of a woman, well as much as is possible without actually physically being one.
When I do finally have the surgery, there are going to be things about being a guy that I'm going to miss. Being able to pee standing up and outside, not being objectified (though, for some reason, being objectified a little bit sometimes kind of excites me), the advantages that being a man has in the world. But these are all things that I'm willing to give up because they don't really feel like they should be mine. Sure, having a penis is fun, but I've come to realize that my penis isn't the same for me as it is for other men. For me, my penis is really just like a toy to have fun with. Which is probably why I whip it out so much. I don't really feel like it's some private part of me. It's just there for entertainment.
Anyway, to completely change the topic, Lisa and I went to the mall yesterday and I got some new shoes (yes more!). I now have like 5 pairs of women's shoes, but I have like no wardrobe, I really have to work on that now. No more shoes! I guess it's just that I can go to payless and get a couple pairs of shoes really cheap and they're super fun. The thing is, I think I need to return the shoes for a bigger size. Not being able to try them on makes it hard to buy them. I thought I was a 9 1/2, but apparently, I'm a 10. This is a pain in the ass though because I've already had to return one pair twice (my foot was just too wide for the design). I know that this is a pain in the ass for Lisa too because she feels like she needs to do it for me, but I think I'm going to do these on my own. I'm thinking about going Wednesday after my orientation at Olive Garden. I'll have her car, so I'll just stop by Payless on the way home and Lisa doesn't even have to know. I don't really think it'll be a big deal, but if she finds out she might be mad that I'm keeping it from her. I guess I just really want to be able to do this on my own. And it's going to be weird, yes, but I need to do it and it's something that I have to deal with. I mean last night, they had to know something was up when we were buying them because Lisa bought 4 pairs (good thing they have the buy one get one half off sale right now) in a 7 1/2 and I got 3 (including the exchange) in a 9 1/2. She went up and made it look like they were all for her, but come on, they're different sizes. Oh well. I don't really care what these people think of me and I can't expect others to really understand so I deal and I'll have to deal even more in the future.
I think that brings me to something else, Lisa is really afraid of the day that I start going out in public. She says she's really afraid that I'm going to get hurt. Like a dude will hit on me or something and find out I'm a guy and then he'll act like a meathead and beat me up or even kill me. Things like that have happened and I understand her concerns, but it's something that I have to deal with. I just have to hope that nothing like that happens and if it does, I'll have to put aside my normal attitudes of not ever backing down and try to just walk away from it. And if all else fails, I'll have to defend myself as best I can. But those things are super rare and I'm not that worried about it.
I've been thinking about it a little more and I really think that my first trip out should be to the movies with Lisa. We'll go on an off night at a theater a little bit away and she can buy the tickets so I won't have to talk (since I know I won't have my voice down by then). It'll be pretty good too because we'll be sitting in the dark theater so if I get uncomfortable, it'll be ok, no one will see and I won't be in view of people that much. It'll be something small to build on.
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