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A Search For My Gender

Jan. 30th, 2006

11:35 am - Envy or attraction?

It seems like everytime I see an attractive girl, my head turns and I think to myself "damn, I want to to her." But sometimes I wonder if my attraction to women isn't as much sexual as it is envious. Like, am I mistaking sexual attraction to women as me just wanting to be them? If this is the case, then am I actually sexually attracted to either sex? I know that I'm not attracted to men based on their physical appearance...or even their personalities, but I want to have sex with them. Women, I think that I'm attracted to their appearance and I also want to have sex with them.

Is it possible that it's both? Could I be envious and sexually attracted at the same time? I guess it's possible. I mean, I do love having sex with women and being with women in sexual situations, but I do also wish that I was a woman. Has my brain lost the ability to separate these two things? It seems that I get horny most of the time when I'm thinking about being a woman even if I wasn't horny before I started thinking about it. Has my mind just manifested this as a sexual fantasy?

Jan. 12th, 2006

01:28 pm - Sexuality

Lately, as in the past few weeks, I've probaby been hornier than I've ever been. I've been out of control. Normally, I can make it through a day or work without much trouble or anything, but lately, all I can think about at work is sex. It's not just with women and it's not just with men. I'm all over the place. I see an attractive girl and I get stuck thinking about her sexually for like an hour. This doesn't happen the same with men though. I still don't find myself attracted to men, but I spend a lot of time fantasizing about being a woman having sex with a man (or multiple men). None of this is really new, but it's just been much more out of control than it normally is.

This brings me to the whole sexuality issue. I'm comfortible with the fact that I'm bisexual. At times, I love the fact that I am because it gives so many more options and allows for so many different kinds of pleasures. However, at the same time, it bothers me because I don't know if I'll ever be able to be with just one person as I'm always going to have sexual desires that they can't fulfill for me.

It's weird to think about all this, but if I break it down, it comes out something like the following...
- Attraction - 95% towards females. There's hardly any attraction to men at all for me.
- Sexual desires - about 50% each way. I desire both men and women in about the same amounts under normal circumstances.
- Sexual fantasies - About 70% towards men. However, let's break this down a bit more...
- 60% of the time, I fantasize about being a woman with a man (or men).
- 10% of the time, I fantasize about being a man with another man (or men).
- 25% of the time, I fantasize about being a man involved in multiple men gangbanging a single woman
- The remaining 5% is made of up other fantasies such as being a woman with another woman or a man with multple women or some other mix.
- Relationship fantasies - About 90% of the time, when I think about relationships in the future, i think about them being with women, whether I'm being a man or a woman.

What does all of this mean? I have no idea. All it says to me is that I'm all kinds of confused. I've only really had sex with women. I've give a couple guys blowjobs, but never to the point where they've cum (unfortunately). I love the sex that I've had with women and I don't want to stop having sex with women, but I can't hide the fact that I also really want to have sex with men.

How would all of this play out if I did complete transition and become a woman? I've read some stuff online that shows that about 2/3 of transexuals have heterosexual relationships post-op regardless of their pre-op sexuality. Many where men who were exclusively into women beforehand, but changed afterwards. I dont know how I feel about that. I would like to think that post-op, my sexuality would be about the same, but who knows.

Sexuality is something that really scares me with this whole thing. Not so much in that I couldn't handle myself, but just what it means for coming out. Most people think that transexual/transgender means gay and it doesn't. This fact is something that I've counted on to make coming out easier. I think it would be twice as hard if I had to tell my friends and family that not only am I a woman stuck in a man's body and am going to also have an operation to become a woman, but I am also gay. That may be a lot for my family and friends to handle. If I could just tell them the former, it may ease things a little. But then what happens if post-op I realize that I just want to be with men? Then it looks like I lied to them. However, if that happens, then there's the possibility that if everyone has grown to accept me as a woman, they won't think about it as me being homosexual, but me being a heterosexual woman and be able to treat and see me as such.

SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND!! AHHHHH

Jan. 11th, 2006

10:15 am - Shaved my legs

I tried to wax my legs, but it turned into a huge pain in the ass. There was so much hair and the wax wasn't grabbing it all. It was also taking forever. So I used this Veet stuff that my girlfriend had instead and it worked pretty well. It removed almost all of the hair with most of what ws left being spots that I just plain missed.

After I took the Veet off, I got in the shower to wash all the hair off and my legs felt so good. I could stop rubbing them together in the shower and marveling over how smooth they felt up against each other. When I was doing this, though, I felt so womanly. Just the way I was standing in the shower rubbing my nice smooth legs together made me feel insanely womanly. It was one of the best feelings ever. It was also one of the first times that I have felt womanly in any type of way that didn't involve sex or wearing woman's clothes. I loved it.

Today or tomorrow, I plan on doing my chest and getting the spots I missed on my legs.

Jan. 10th, 2006

10:13 pm - I'm back

I always say that I'm going to post here more often, but I never do. It's been a while since I've seriously thought about transitioning. For a while I thought I had changed my mind about the whole thing, but lately, I've been back to thinking that it's right for me. I spent a lot of time today reading stuff online about the whole process. And after reading it all, I've been able to compile a little bit of concerns...
-Cost. A full transition could cost me up to $40,000. I have no idea how I would ever afford that.
-Passing. What if I can't pass as a woman after it's all said and done? I'd have to live my entire life standing out from the crowd because of a decision I made.
-Ability to orgasm. I'm an extremely sexual person, it's almost all I think about. I do not want to lose this and I do not want to lose the ability to fulfill my sexual desires.
-Coming out. There are so many people whom I'd have to come out to. Family, girlfriend's family, friends, coworkers. I have no idea what I'd even say or how I'd explain it to them.
-Retraining my voice. I have a very man sounding voice and have tried talking in a female voice and I just don't have the ability to. I hope that this would be something that I could overcome.

I don't want to cut this post short, but I'm going to wax my legs now. Hopefully, it won't be another few months before I post again.

Sep. 30th, 2005

08:13 pm - Wow, it's been a long time!

I'm absolutely terrible at posting on this thing. It's been since freaking Januarary! Today, I bought a new pair of tall boots. I can't believe I've got three pairs now. I think I officially have more women's shoes than men's shoes. I used to never understand why girls had so many pairs of shoes and were so obsessed with them, but now I get it. SHOES ARE FUN! Ever since I bought my first pair of women's shoes, I've been obsessed with them. I absolutely love wearing high heels, especially fuck-me boots. They're fun and high heels are super hot on girls. Though, I wish the pointy-toed shoe trend would end. Those things are super ugly and it's difficult sometimes to find cute shoes that don't have a pointy toe. Oh well.

Today, after I walked out of the mall, I actually put my new pair of boots on in the car and drove all the way home with them. Learning to drive stick in heels was a bit awkward, but I got it pretty quickly. It's really not that hard at all, which is kind of a relief if I ever do go through with my transition, I'll have no problem driving a stick shift and that's good because I have no plans of going back to an automatic. The only thing that I couldn't do was heel-toe, but I think I can work on that.

But, all that aside, I'm just as confused as always. I've completely accepted the fact that I'm not going to ever feel truly one way or the other way. I know that I really feel like I should be in a woman's body and be treated as a women a lot of the time. However, at the same time, there are certain things that I enjoy about being a guy and I'm not sure if I could give them up. I feel like this would be so much easier if I was much more so on the other end the continuum rather than right in the middle. I guess it just pretty much seems like I'm going to not do the transition thing and just stick it out as a man.

Jan. 11th, 2005

11:14 am - It's been a long time

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here. Nothing has really happened, though. Lately, I've been feeling that going through the transition isn't for me.

I just wish that I could make up my mind about it. It seems that every few weels/months, I feel differently about it. I guess that's reason enough to not do it at all. I mean, why would I want to do something that is permanant if I'm not entirely sure if I want to do it?

Don't get me wrong, I still feel like a woman inside a lot of the time and nothing about my gender issues, but like I've mentioned before, I go through these phases where sometimes I feel really pro-transition and other times I feel more  like it's just not for me. I know that soon I'll be in a pro-transition phase again and saying that I should do it, but I'm just way too conflicted on this to be able to truthfully say that I should go through with it. I think it's one of those things that you can't do if you have any doubts about whether or not you should do it. Doubts about whether or not you can do it or if you'll pull it off and pass entirely in the end are fine, but not these kind.

Oct. 10th, 2004

02:24 pm - I hate when people go through my stuff

Last week, my roommate was in my room talking to me and while he was talking, he decided to open my closet and look inside without asking. I had all of my women's shoes just laying around and he saw them and was like "I'm going to pretend like I didn't see that." I said that they were Lisa's, but I don't think he believed me. It was possibly the most embarrassing thing ever. I really hate when people go through my stuff without asking, especially since I do have something that I'm hiding and I wouldn't feel comfortible with people knowing about it.

He then went upstairs and said to Lisa, with someone else in the room, "your boyfriend has a lot of high heels in his closet." Lisa said that they were hers, but who knows what he thinks.

It hadn't been mentioned at all again until today when he saw a shoe rack that I found in the trash and I said that I didn't really have a use for it so I don't know why I even took it and he said that I could put on my high heels on it.

SOOOOOOOOOO embarrassing.

Current Mood: embarrassedembarrassed

Sep. 24th, 2004

02:03 pm - Thongs

Holy shit! I love wearing thongs!

I don't know why I felt the need to post that, but I was just thinking about how much I love wearing them.

Aug. 12th, 2004

02:10 am - Going on vacatin in a couple days

In a couple days, I'm going on vacation with Lisa and her family for a week. I think it may be rough not be able to crossdress at all. Especially, since we'll be down the shore and there will be scantily clad women whom I will be very jealous of and will make me want to crossdress.
I'll get through it, but it'll be tough. Oh well, I'll post about it when I get back.

Current Mood: tiredtired

Aug. 5th, 2004

12:46 am - New gown

Basically, I'm just saying what's up.

I got a new nightgown in the mail, but I don't know how I feel about it. It's long and has a big slit up the side which is hot, but it's a shearish type and the material isn't normal nightgown material. Oh well, I'll try it one night soon.

That's it for now!

Current Mood: tiredtired

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